Call it a funk, call it depression, call it my disease, call it Mercury Retrograde… Whatever name I may give it the thoughts and emotions are the same. Yesterday was a struggle and I felt it coming. I woke up and started the day strong, or so I thought. I began with prayer, though I didn’t feel it in my heart. I read a daily devotional as is part of my morning routine and put positivity out into the universe. Getting ready for school I programmed my hematite bracelet to absorb negativity and my bloodstone necklace to guide my on the path of the ‘spiritual warrior’.
It was only after arriving at school I was aware of a massive shift in consciousness. It began with hunger and irritability. I ate thinking that would relieve this feeling of anxiety growing in my chest and stomach but to no avail. The feeling only worsened and my thoughts spiraled into the realm of fear and doubt. I began worrying about finding a job, about having no money, no food, not studying for my test, falling behind in school work and I just couldn’t bring myself back to the moment.
Finally, I was asked to read aloud the practice test to the class, just the exercise I needed to get out of myself. It was like watching the heat rise through the air on a hot summer day. I could feel the negativity leave me as I was restored to a new sense of serenity.
The afternoon that followed was quite peaceful. An afternoon reading “Alice’s Adventures In Wonderland”, fell asleep and awoke to my daughter calling me for a video chat. All of this consistent with a ‘usual’ afternoon for where my life is right now.
I go to ‘groups’ at the recovery center I live at and usually look forward to them. Last night was no different, at least until I got there. The energy was all wrong, I couldn’t place it. In hindsight I couldn’t place it because it was my own energy that was off. Fear was seeping through my pours, though I wasn’t aware at the time. It manifested itself through frustration which lead to judgment and followed with anger. It was difficult to subdue the anger, my biggest fear was that it would change to aggression. I finally lashed out at someone proceeding to tell them to stop speaking, just with more vulgarity.
It was after that moment that I finally caught myself and emotions started to subside. After group I went up to the man and apologized for my behavior and explained how I was projecting myself onto him.
Today, I can look back and see the emotions I was feeling and am able to reflect and learn. I am not perfect, I am human and have human emotions. I have good days and I have bad days but I have learned to recognize them as they come. It is truly a gift, I am a child in the eyes of the universe which is always teaching me and guiding to grow into the greatest version of myself that I can be. It is only by the grace of God that I am even able to sit here and type this because I know where my life was and where my life is. Each experience is a blessing.
=> Sean McAllister